made it to church today.

it was interesting.

the youth study group thing before the service wasn't very fruitful.

everyone seems so unfulfilled with their faith but they don't realize it. i think if you really live your faith your life will never become boring. but we've learned to love boring, haven't we? it's so nice. i've been learning to love it. sitting on a bed all day is, well, comfortable. not in the physical sense (its actually quite annoying) but emotionally, spiritually, it's so damn comfortable. and every student at my church is loving the comfort, even though they complain about average weeks and stuff, they love the comfort. it's our human inclination. but i dont think we can really know a God amazing as ours and be bored with anything. i just don't think Christ was ever bored. i think He always had something to do. and i think we all have something to do and its not boring and its not easy and we hate it so we go to church and stay comfortable. we stay bored. but comfort itself isn't bad - i think if our society were living the way God wanted us to live we'd be pretty comfortable. but how can we be comfortable when the world is dying? the world is killing itself and our God wants us to live uncomfortably in a way that blesses the world. and it's hard, i know. i'm not getting out there and i am not doing a thing. it's not like a physical impairment is any excuse not to bless the world.

the thing is, God doesn't want us to write Him a check. and when the offering bag comes around to us its so easy to think its that easy. because your emotions can trick you. you can have that special feeling inside and think that writing a big number on your check and putting it in is pious, selfless, God's will. the thing is, God doesn't have a checking account. He has a plan for each and every one of us. an uncomfortable, hard to accept, hard to live, risky plan.

God wants us to give of ourselves, and we give Him our money.

what does that say about ourselves?

i'm struggling with this a lot because as a minor, and now as a minor in a wheelchair, it's hard to know how to give of myself. and frankly, i wish i could just give him my money. and i know that i need to give my money to those in need and i'm pretty sure i'm going to. but i'm still trying to learn how to give of myself.

(i am a human and without community i will die)

the world looks up towards the leaders and cries for help.

i've always where the leaders turned for help.

ref. 71 - 51 to 49

my feelings - while i want it to pass, ultimately i don't care if it passes (at least im trying to feel this way). passing laws is nothing. passing laws is not The Way.

still, it's interesting, and the closeness of it does make me nervous.

celebrated with cake today (since cake takes awhile it was either a disappointment or celebration cake) at saharas. we were unsure what kinda cake we were eating but it was still good. and nice to hang out with people, very much so.